FRONT went to have a word with Bulla, the original East End geezer and alter ego of comedian Ricky Grover. He ended up giving us a comprehensive guide to being a gentleman today. Well, almost...

WORDS: DAMIEN McSORLEY PHOTOGRAPHY: SAM BARKER

British comedy is without a doubt the best in the world, and Ricky Grover is one of the leaders of our comedy scene. A master of stand-up, he was recently on our screens as Johnny Vaughan's sidekick and best pal Sean in 'Orrible. However, what the big man is best at is his character Bulla, a no-nonsense, straight-talking east London underworld face. We went down to Finchley boxing club to have a spar, give you an insight into Bulla's world, and learn how to be from the old school.

Tell us about your background.
You don't need to go into my background, make yourself busy round my background. I am the old school - I like children, old people, and I give a lot of money to childrens boxing clubs. That's me, I'm out of the East End, I've always been out with the gang, nick and pound note and put it to good use. But I've always had plenty of manners.

How should a man dress?
Get yourself a nice pair of tights. So you can wear them over your head. The problem with stockings is that sometimes they ladder, and then you're poleaxed. With a pair of tights, if one ladders, you can always slip to the other side. Not only that, if you meet a pal of yours, and you want to have a little talk in secrecy, he could slip the other leg on.

So what kind of clothes do you go for then?
When I'm not training, I like to wear a nice suit, a Bulla suit, which is cut nice and loose around the shoulders in case you have to attack the traffic warden.

How should a man walk?
You walk confident, it's more of a bowl. I'll stroll straight up to someone if I want to have a word with him, even if I'm asking someone for directions, I'm straight up, nose to nose: 'Where's the gaff, tell me lively or I'll open you up like a tin of beans.'

What should a geezer always carry on him?
I go two ways. I'm normally like a straight up man or I'll get the toys out. I don't normally go in between. But just to be on the safe side, I normally carry Stanley.

How would a young Bulla behave, going into the pub for the first time?
Don't go straight into the pub. Stand on the door for a little while, get the feel of it. You can even take on the role of the doorman for a minute. Take a few tenners from people as they come in. Just to get the feel of the door before you go in. When you go in, find yourself a nice, open space, make sure you don't order yourself a mug punter drink - don't order a lager or martini. Order something really spiteful, you know, half a bottle of vodka or something like that in a pint glass, with plenty of ice. Give people the eye treatment, look around, making sure everything is going sweet.

What should you drive?
I'm not a big fan of driving anything too flash, because Old Bill get the needle and they'll think you're getting hold of a few quid. When you're fighting the battle against the filth, you need to think how they think. If these people are earning about 300, 400 quid a week at the most, and they see you driving a big Roller, they're gonna go on you all the time. They look at Bulla and see him in an old Jeep and think, 'The man's struggling, give him five.' But really, deep down, I've got properties all over the world.

What do you look for in a lady?
I like my women to be physically strong. Just in case I ever get a spin, cos sometimes the Old Bill can come on you at any time of the morning. I like a woman who can hold the door shut while I think about what way I'm going out, or think about what I gotta say. She's also gotta be strong in the cell. If they're interrogating her, I don't want a woman who's going to fall to pieces and tell my bits of business. I like a clean-living woman who is strong, preferably blonde, with big tits as well.

Where do you take the lady out?
When I take a woman out, I like to spoil her. I take them classy places, like Strings (Stringfellows). With me, she only drinks champagne, she only has the best of everything, and I make sure she's looked after. I open the doors for her, and if anyone even gives a look of any kind, I'll take it as though it's a pop at me, he's moving in on my territory.

Should you queue up for a club or is it straight up the front?
I've never got in a queue in me life. If you queue up you're an absolute ice cream. What I normally do is straight to the front, nose-to-nose with whoever's on the door, say, 'I think I'm in there, do me nice, sit me up at the front, spoil me, pint of vodka, plenty of ice.'

It kicks off in the pub and your opponent is a bit tasty - what do you do?
I've had it so many times, there's always someone trying to make a name. So what I do is give them enough rope and play with them a bit, then hit them with the Bulla bazooka and that puts them to sleep for about two weeks. I'll then go and visit them in hospital, with all the tubes in them and I'll say, 'How do you feel? Do you still wanna make one of have you slowed down?' And it's always the same: 'Sorry Bulla, I was boozed, I didn't realise who I was dealing with.' Then I ask them to make a nice gesture, sell their house, give me a little bit of tank to be going on with and that's me, the old school.

You're going to your lady's parents for the first time - how do you behave?
This has happened. I've gone round and seen the horrified look on the parents' faces. The best thing to do is say to the father, 'Can I have a word with you out in the garden?' Take him to the fish pond, dip his head under for about 40 seconds, then whisper in his ear, 'Are we all sweet?' Couple more ducks, we go back in make out we had a little splash about and we'll eat a nice Sunday dinner and enjoy ourselves.

How much should you love your Mum?
(Bulla starts crying) Too much love.

Do you agree with seeing psychiatrists, like Tony Soprano?
All those people are is nosy bastards. They keep saying how does that make you feel? I'll tell you how it makes me feel - like whacking them round the head with a lump of wood. It's no good being horrible all week and singing hymns on a Sunday, that's what I told the vicar. Once before I opened him up in front of the whole congregation. I've walked in, he's christening the baby, I thought - he's a nonce. He's dressed in black, I thought, he's messing about with it, what's the coup?

What is the best sort of girl to go for?
(Voice is croaking, fights back tears) Someone who'll always look after me in the same vein as my Mum - she was spiteful but fair. I saw her cut a geezer on the doorstep once, just for asking for money. I said, 'Mum, he's the milkman - he's got to be paid.' She stamped on his head, looked at me, winked and said, 'Bulla you've got to let them know you're there.' What a lovely woman.

What's the best way to chat up a lady?
I usually walk straight up and say, 'Would you like a glass of beer?' Or 'Are you with that guy?' If they nod, I'll go zoomp, cuff the geezer. As he flies over the chairs I'll gently hold her hand and we go and have a glass of beer.

How should you behave on holiday?
I'm proper. Everyone gets hung up on languages, people look at my face and they know what I'm saying. So if I go to Spain all I do is put 'o' on the end of everything - beero, plenty of chipso, livelyo, otherwise I'll open you upo. It works out lovely.

Did you watch Big Brother?
I really loved it. I like that whole situation, it reminds me of when I was in the boob, the way you have to interact with people. People slagged off Jade but she is a classy woman - all right, she may be a bit of a pig. I don't know if you've heard her mum speak, but you can tell she can have a row. Jade has a good pedigree. But that posh bloke who was in it, there is still a good chance of me hunting him down. Him and that other poof made me feel sick, they were both walking around that little house with semis on staring at each other. I don't know why they didn't just get at the nonsense and have it over and done with.

What advice would you give to an up-and-coming Bulla?
Have a bit of respect for people, then do something nice out of the blue. If you're walking down the street and you see the Old Bill, don't go up and ask for directions, go up and head-butt them full pelt on the nose and say to them, 'You lowlife mongrel.' Then go and get yourself a six-month stretch, make sure you're up to it.

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